When I first got married (almost 12 years ago) I had no clue what I was really in for. I thought I’d always be happy, I’d never be hurt again, and my real life fairly tale had come true. The problem with most fairy tales is they often leave out reality and real life. Make no mistake about it, my husband was far greater than a dream come true, but perfect he wasn’t/isn’t. Flaws and all I love him more than words can express, but when I was not expecting to be hurt by him, I was wrong. Unrealistic expectations will disappoint you every time.
There is a huge difference between being hurt by someone who could care less about you and someone who loves you to death. Most people don’t realize this and the divorce rates keep rising. I mean the mindset of a lot of people is “Hey, if it doesn’t work out we can just divorce.” And not working out can be something as simple as agreeing with how the children should be raised or something as petty as money issues. It’s like when we utter “For better or for worse” at the altar, we don’t mean a lick of what is coming out of our mouths…with all those crazy expectations!
I was convinced at a very young age that love looked like something. Love looked like being there always, all the time, and most importantly, being there financially. My father wasn’t doing any of these and my Grandmother made sure that she drilled into my heart/mind that “HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.” This was the furthest thing from the truth, yet because her teachings were instilled and ingrained into me (even though I fought hard to believe otherwise) my knowledge of true love was wrong. Do you want to know the day that I realized/believed/knew how much my dad really loved me; the day that he died. My emotions are swelling so I must bring this to a close.
When someone truly loves you it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever hurt you because they are not perfect and that’s as simple as I can put it. You should expect to be hurt, disappointed, let down, and saddened. But you should also expect that person to receive help, change, grow, get better, do better, and hurt you less and less in those most painful areas. Sometimes, we are hurt and disappointed because of our own issues and hang-ups, and this is why it’s important for each person in a relationship to receive help, change, grow, get better, and do better. So the huge difference in being hurt by a lover and a person who really has no love for you is this; the person that really loves you will die fixing the issues because they don’t want to hurt you.
Questions: How bad does the pain hurt when you really love someone?
1) He became my personal (1 on 1) fitness trainer
2) He gave me a sterling silver engraved BUTTERFLY bookmark (that was very thoughtful. I LOVE BOOKS)
3) He washed clothes 85% of the time this year (I had a lot of school work~shut up)
4) He wrote me love notes on paper and on the bathroom mirror with toothpaste! (this made me smile really hard)
5) He drove me to and from school even when he didn’t feel like it
6) He celebrated each of my victories in a big way!
7) He gave me cards, flowers, and other gifts for no special reason at times
8. He introduced me to my favorite Pre-Work Out Drinks! (boy oh boy!)
9) He supported me in all of my goals, spiritually, physically, and financially.
10) He dated me (YES!)
11) He worked on bettering his self for me/us
12) He made sure I laughed often! (oh this was so important!)
People often wonder how and why people are still doing this “No Sex until marriage” thing, well here are a couple of women I know responses.Question #1You did not have sex with your man until you were married, so how is that working for you?“I am grateful to God that we did it His way! I don’ t regret it for a moment. We obeyed God’s word and waited until we said “I Do” before enjoying the marriage bed(having sex). Do it God’s way get God’s Results!” Years married: 11 1/2“I chose NOT to have sex with or live with my man before we married! We purposed in our hearts to remain pure unto the LORD! He has totally blessed us with a sweet and fulfilling marriage. The biggest thing that we can tangibly see is that God is pleased with and honors our relationship. We took him up on his word! “For them that honor me I will honor, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.” 1 samuel 2:30b”Years married: 5
So, would you wait?
A couple of weeks ago, I had one of my dreams again. The kind when you are in a deep sleep and everything in the dream feels so real as if it’s actually happening. The kind where although you are inside the dream, there is another version of you inside the dream, but as thinker and not acting out the motions. These type of dreams more often than not leave me with some sort of message, revelation, insight, or something to think deeply about.
The thinker version of me often feels the need to wake myself up out of the dream when it’s reality becomes too painful, too exhausting, too frustrating, or unbearable. This is what I did a couple of weeks ago in here is my dream.
I’m not sure how I got there, but I was in a very crowded gym waiting for my chance to meet Dolvett. If you don’t know who he is, go to NBC’s The Biggest Loser and check out the black guy. He is a very handsome, young and strong physical trainer for the show. He is very nice and his smile warms up the room coming from off the television.
At any rate, when I got the chance to meet him, he thought I was strong and wanted to work me out. He didn’t do that with the other fans and I was being treated special. The day went on and so did our one on one session. Hours in the dream equaled out to day’s somehow. The next thing I knew is we were really close friends, laughing, joking, playing, and enjoying each other’s presence extremely. The feelings were so strong I literally felt them in my reality while I still slept.
As we both sat on the mat, I sat in between his legs and we were talking. I knew exactly how he felt about me because the other version of me (the thinker) had informed me of everything. He had fallen head over heels for me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was feeling overjoyed because he had finally found the one. As this information began to hit my soul, sadness came over me for him. I too shared those feelings, but I was MARRIED! The moment he knew that I was, I’d become very unattractive in his eyes because he was a loyal and respectful person.
I felt the need to withhold that important fact from home a little while longer because his affection and attraction towards me felt so good. It was new, it was deep, and it was sexy.
As we talked and played whatever work out things we were doing, we were in our own little bubble. There was still tons of people around, but we had muted them out.
As Dolvett looked insensibly into my eyes, I could feel his love grow from me more and more and I started weighting out my options. I started to consider a divorce. But how could I do it and still keep Dolvett‘s heart attached to me?
As I tried to figure out that dilemma (which seemed to go on for an eternity) Dolvett that leaned in for a kiss. A kiss I knew would change everything. Either I could have one of the riches, sweetest, sexiest man I had ever met in my life, or I could end up with no man at all. I still loved my husband and we were in a great place. I had no reason to leave or cheat on him. He was a good man. The decision was extremely hard. I was dealing with letting something go that I was so sure of and secure in for something I knew nothing about. I didn’t know if Dolvett would love me like I had been loved with my husband. I didn’t know if he would change on me, become new or different. I didn’t know if he even believed in marriage till death do us part. What if in his mind divorce was an option if things turned for the worse?
Although the passion felt powerful between us, I was hesitant on taking part in that kiss because it only offered uncertainty.
I couldn’t take it anymore, it was way too nerve-racking so I woke myself up. End of dream/story.
Often times when I experience these types of dreams for a good minute after I wake from it my brain still thinks it was true in a sense. So while this was happening, here is what my alive and well self said out loud; “Oh please, what was the dilemma? I’d never leave my husband!”
What I gathered from this dream is that in our imagination, fantasies, and in our wildest dreams we often become tempted with things that can be mysterious. And the unsure part of it all can give us a sense of thrill. Yet, once we wake and step back into reality, (if we are in a healthy place) we can think more clearly and more rationally. Our logic is supposed to kick in and allow us to see that our best option is the one that we can trust, believe in, and what is best for us overall.
It’s not wrong to be tempted, it’s wrong to make the worst choice you ever made in your life when you clearly know better.
With all that said, are you going to see the movie Temptation this weekend?
These podcast teasers are short poems that I’ve written over the years about many different relationships and feelings.
Please enjoy and stay tuned for the talks and discussions that my husband Delmar and I will be bringing to you later this year!
Thank you for listening,
Podcast Poem 10 Forever
Dedicated To Delmar Gore!
When I was a young girl I thought that all a guy wanted was a pretty girl by his side. My beauty seemed to win the attention of many and I thought all I had to do was get someone to fall in love with me and then I’d have a forever love. That was my plan starting at age 13.
I believe that is when I gave up on trying to get my fathers forever love. My Grandmother expressed on many occasions how he didn’t really love me and I was beginning to believe her. So out I went on a search at 13 years old to find a love that would forever be mines. And I wasn’t giving up my cookies until I found it, that was the plan.
I’m sure someone may have told me that I was on a useless mission. The boys my age were not concerned 1 bit about finding a lifetime girlfriend and wife, but I was determined. Their top priority was how many girls could they get to have sex with them. Many possibilities came my way but none stayed. I held on to my cookies so tight that no sooner than they came they were leaving. On to the girls who were giving it up. And even though I was promised love if I’d give it up, I held on…for a while.
After several years with no successful love story, I began to think my beauty wasn’t enough. I added my cookies to the deal. I’d soon discover that my cookies and beauty weren’t enough. And at the end of the day I was left feeling more empty when all that didn’t work and they left me (just like my dad).
What saddens my heart is that this is still the behavior of grown women today. You are out there trying to be enough for a man to want you. But I’m here to tell you that you are enough. If you are striving to be the best woman that you can be, mind, spirit, body, and soul, then you are enough! Don’t ever second guess that just because the men that come and go are missing out on that. They have the problem, it’s not always YOU.
I remember always thinking
“If I’m pretty enough”
“If I’m good enough”
“If I love enough”
“If I give enough” then he will stay. But the staying power had to be in his spirit, not mine. He had to be the kind of emotionaly ready person before he met me. A guy says out of his mouth “If that girl is this, that, and the third, she can change me and make me a one woman man.” But that is not true for the most part, yet woman give up everything they have trying to do this. It’s not right!
While we were on vacation this summer my husband and I was taking in some dinner at a jazz restaurant at the resort we were staying in. I wanted to head back up to our room and relax (and prepare for a night-cap lol) so I said “You stay here honey, your having fun, just come up when ever.” He told me a couple of days ago that as soon as I left a few women were hitting on him and trying to get with him. No sooner than I left his side they were trying to snag my man! He declined (more than once) and finished watching the show. The man has to desire faithfulness for hisself, it doesn’t have that much to do with the type of love powers you have or don’t have. Sometimes they think they can get away with it, sometimes they don’t think what they are risking is all that great, and sometimes they blame it on the woman! But here is what I know, I AM ENOUGH! I always was and I always will be, and I’m so glad that I have a man who finally knows it.
Becoming so comfortable in a relationship with your mate to the point where you are being neglectful is horrible. And being neglected feels worse. But if you never realize these things are taking place then they can’t be fixed and disaster can creep in and destroy everything.
If you are the neglecter, you can change, and if you are being neglected things can change. Each person really needs to look at their situation and be honest though.
* Ask yourself and maybe someone you can trust if you are really being neglected or do you have unrealistic expectations.
* Don’t assume your partner is just supposed to know how you are feeling.
* Don’t give hints and clues for them to figure out, be direct and open.
* There are many ways to communicate, choose your best option and at the best time. You can say lets talk, (but not while they are clearly distracted) you can write a letter, send a text, buy a card that explains how you feel, and you can also ask to pray with them and bring it to God while they are listening, (this has to be done with a pure heart and motives).
* If some time has passed and nothing has changed you can and should bring it up again in a non-confrontational type of way, maybe use a different type of communication this time.
* Ask them if they are willing to speak to someone about the issues you are having, either an accountability couple, or a counselor.
* Read books and articles, and also listen to messages that inform you on what to do while you wait for change.
* Focus on what you can change, yourself.
* Don’t rely on the love you gave 10 years ago to still carry you today.
* Don’t ignore your mates cries and brush them off even if you feel as though they are exaggerating or being a nag.
* Don’t assume they know that you love them just because you are still with them.
* Don’t become so busy with other priorities so much so that your marriage is last on the list.
* Read books that will help you understand your spouse, relate to your spouse, and keep the fire burning.
* Seek an accountability person that will give you honest feed back and help you to stay on track.
* Talk to your mate, don’t run away from conversations even if they begin to get heated.
* Don’t make the mistake of thinking if you don’t pay the problem any mind that it will just go away.
* Don’t assume an affair could never happen.
With everything that we have on our plates today (sometimes things that we don’t need) our lives can become so busy that we start to take our loved ones for granted. I know you’ve heard the saying “What you did to get them, you need to do to keep them.” I agree. And even though people will argue that you shouldn’t have to keep proving that you love someone and that they should already know, I’d argue why wouldn’t you want to keep showing them if you truly do love them?
THANKS FOR READING!