Mature men are not afraid to pursue
with the possibilities of rejection.
They know and understand their
worth and that no matter the outcome,
they will not lose.
When I first got married (almost 12 years ago) I had no clue what I was really in for. I thought I’d always be happy, I’d never be hurt again, and my real life fairly tale had come true. The problem with most fairy tales is they often leave out reality and real life. Make no mistake about it, my husband was far greater than a dream come true, but perfect he wasn’t/isn’t. Flaws and all I love him more than words can express, but when I was not expecting to be hurt by him, I was wrong. Unrealistic expectations will disappoint you every time.
There is a huge difference between being hurt by someone who could care less about you and someone who loves you to death. Most people don’t realize this and the divorce rates keep rising. I mean the mindset of a lot of people is “Hey, if it doesn’t work out we can just divorce.” And not working out can be something as simple as agreeing with how the children should be raised or something as petty as money issues. It’s like when we utter “For better or for worse” at the altar, we don’t mean a lick of what is coming out of our mouths…with all those crazy expectations!
I was convinced at a very young age that love looked like something. Love looked like being there always, all the time, and most importantly, being there financially. My father wasn’t doing any of these and my Grandmother made sure that she drilled into my heart/mind that “HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.” This was the furthest thing from the truth, yet because her teachings were instilled and ingrained into me (even though I fought hard to believe otherwise) my knowledge of true love was wrong. Do you want to know the day that I realized/believed/knew how much my dad really loved me; the day that he died. My emotions are swelling so I must bring this to a close.
When someone truly loves you it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever hurt you because they are not perfect and that’s as simple as I can put it. You should expect to be hurt, disappointed, let down, and saddened. But you should also expect that person to receive help, change, grow, get better, do better, and hurt you less and less in those most painful areas. Sometimes, we are hurt and disappointed because of our own issues and hang-ups, and this is why it’s important for each person in a relationship to receive help, change, grow, get better, and do better. So the huge difference in being hurt by a lover and a person who really has no love for you is this; the person that really loves you will die fixing the issues because they don’t want to hurt you.
Questions: How bad does the pain hurt when you really love someone?
There are times in our lives when God is leading us to walk away from certain people, jobs, churches, and relationships. The purpose and reasons don’t always have to be due to negativity, that’s a very important thing to remember. Another important thing to remember is that everyone may not agree or be pleased with you moving forward and that’s ok. You may not even fully understand it at that point but when God has been leading you for a while, you come to appreciate all that He allows and whatever He doesn’t. Somethings you’ll see later on in life and smile, sometimes you’ll see it in the moment, and sometimes never.
The reason for this post today is to encourage anyone who may be struggling in a relationship as to what they should do and what direction they should go in as this new year approaches. I can remember being so confused and so afraid about making the wrong decisions based on staying and going. I was controlled by a fear of being alone; a fear that haunted me from the time I was 8 months old. Two things I needed to believe so that I could get to a place of peace and joy were:
1) With God in my life I AM NEVER ALONE.
2) The people He intends to stay & bless my life WILL (because they will be led by Him).
So ask Him into you life and heart 1st if you truly have not and then ask Him to show you in a way you will understand if you should stay or go…HE WILL SHOW YOU, so pay attention after you ask. He may use a stranger, a book, a T.V. show, a Facebook post (yes), and article, or you may hear a still small voice in your head that says something like “You know what you should do”. And even with all of this, He’ll even send another message just to confirm that you understood correctly! God is so awesome like that!
So 2014 is right around the corner and I know you want peace of mind in the choices that you make, so won’t you ask Him, won’t you seek Him, won’t you TRUST Him? For He is the only 1 that will never leave you or forsake you and I put my life on that!
Isaiah 41:17 “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
I know it can seem like husbands are big babies/kids sometimes and they should be more understanding that you are being pulled in so many directions, but how understanding should he really be? In a godly marriage he should come first. Your children are a priority yes…OH YES, but not at the expense of your husbands neglect. Each husband is different and requires/needs different things at different times. It is your business as a wife to know him and meet those needs as best as you can…that is your most important roll and sometimes I know it gets lost. Sometimes husband suffer silently as if you could read his mind. That can be irritating because all could be well if he would just speak up, but I’m going to suggest even in this case (of non-verbal communication) to use wisdom, discernment, and your intuition to see whats going on in his heart. Maybe you have a SUPER NEEDY husband that needs to chill and get his issues and insecurities together; you should still show him grace (it’s not like you didn’t see he was needy before you married him right?) Maybe you have a loner husband that won’t say one word and dives into his work; I’m suggesting you bring it up from time to time and just check in with him to see if he is good.
Know your man, do what’s best for you and yours, but don’t ever leave room for anyone to fill your shoes.
How do you respond in your heart when your husband has request of you and your spent?
Often times we tend to treat God like our earthly relationships and get upset and disappointed when we don’t receive something we’ve asked for or things don’t go our way. Understanding that He is all-powerful makes matters even worse because we are fully aware of the fact that He can, but He didn’t or He could allow it, but won’t.
Allowing my heart and mind to land on the same page is an ongoing process. I’ve cried to the point of depression because I’ve begged Him for things yet, was not blessed with them. It used to be very difficult for me to avoid becoming better when I was denied the things that I prayed for. One of the reasons is because my grandmother gave me any and everything I asked for. “No” didn’t seem to be a part of her vocabulary. And, in those rare moments that she did say no, one ounce of pain or discomfort on my face would change things very quickly. I was given gifts as a way of showing I was loved, as a reward, as a peace-offering, and as a silencer from my abuser. Is there any wonder that it was very difficult for me to hear “No” in my relationship with God?
As I’ve gotten older and I’m able to look back over my life, I’m so grateful for everything God did not give me and did not allow. I’m so thankful that He knows me better than I do myself and in knowing that, He knows what is best for me. I’ve learned to stop crying like a toddler who wants their parents to feed them candy all day and I began to trust him. I’ve learned to stop spazzing out and withdrawing from Him emotionally like a teenager who wants to go out to a party that is way past her curfew and I began to trust Him.
See, one of the awesome things about trusting Him 100% is that He knows the end of our story and what it will and won’t take to reach that awesome ending. He allows us to write the story, but we give Him the editing and publishing job when we give our lives over to Him. And in doing this, we can trust that it will be a bestseller.
Is it easy or hard for you to trust God?
If it’s always more important that you are heard instead of hearing and understood instead of understanding; you should do a study on what it is to compromise in a relationship.
Let’s face it, who want’s to be around a person who behaves as if their life and feelings are not only what matters most, but they are all that matter period?
Saying you love someone is always the easy part. Actually doing so is where the challenge comes in. In 1 Corinthians 13 the bible states that “Love suffers long.”
That doesn’t mean you suffer under the hand of abuse, but it means that you forgive and you don’t harbor hate or resentment for a love who is only being human.
Love and lasting relationships require a great deal of compromise, sacrifice, and forgiveness. Couples tend to argue a lot more when they feel unloved and most
relationships break because the evidence of true love is either not present or the individual that leaves is too unhealthy to recognize it.
I believe the more relationships we experience, the wiser we should become in regards to the success of them. If you are still single and waiting for the love of your
life well into your 40’s without any hope in sight, (and this is not meant for those who have lost loved ones due to a tragedy, but for those who have never been able to have a successful relationship after many attempts) I suggest you begin a detailed self-evaluation so that you can eliminate the problem if it happens to be YOU.
Are You ready and willing to receive the love of your life?
The other day while I was reading my class assignment in Interpersonal Communication, I read a story about two best friends. The issue that arose was that both of them had applied to get a 20,000.00 scholarship for grad school but only one of them got it. The one girl that didn’t win couldn’t feel happy for her friend because she was upset and jealous that she didn’t get chosen. I thought this was horrible, although I remember how it feels to be on both of these sides.
There was a time in my life that my heart had conflict with joy and pain when it came to seeing others be blessed. I’m just so glad that isn’t a struggle anymore. So, why is it that a person can be your best friend and not have those happy feelings towards you when you are receiving a blessing? Usually things start at the root; do you know what is at the root of jealousy and envy? It is the very fact that certain people do not trust and believe that the blessings that God has intended for their life are going to be. They may even believe that nothing good is going to come their way and even if it does, it won’t satisfy them. They don’t believe in Jeremiah 29:11 which states,
If people don’t believe this, they tend to not do the work required to obtain the blessings. There are plenty of times that God will just send blessings our way without us lifting a finger, but reality is that if you want to become a Doctor and open your own clinic; you are going to have to put in some work for that dream to come true.
I have wanted things that others have been blessed with and my heart became torn and cold because God didn’t give them to me. But when I accepted the fact that my life and my path were designed to be different, I became very content with everything I had and everything I didn’t. Now when ever my friends or loved one receive a blessing, my heart fills with joy for them and my eyes with tears! There is no need for me to ever feel a twinge of hate, jealousy, or envy, because I know that what God has for me, it is for me, and it’s more than enough!
This baffles me and I can understand it a little, but then I don’t. Women of a certain age with some experience should be getting this, but they don’t. Here it is:
People cry and complain about those that hurt them, but then they hurt them selves worse than anyone else could.
You have a situation where a woman will say she wants to be loved and she wants to save herself for marriage and not be used by a man for her goodies. Then she will hook up with a guy, know that he is no good for her, date him, lower her expectations and standards, and remove her protective boundaries. She will be fully aware of the fact that the guy isn’t the right one, but then she will either, pray that he changes, try to make him the right one, or lie to herself and say that it’s ok. Miss, Lady…How are you any different from those that hurt you? Your not, your worse.
Expect to be friends?
You can not have a friendship with someone who isn’t available for it for what ever reason. And you can’t do enough or buy enough to win them over to seal the deal. Just ask them for the level of friendship you desire and wait for a response, don’t have expectations.