When I first got married (almost 12 years ago) I had no clue what I was really in for. I thought I’d always be happy, I’d never be hurt again, and my real life fairly tale had come true. The problem with most fairy tales is they often leave out reality and real life. Make no mistake about it, my husband was far greater than a dream come true, but perfect he wasn’t/isn’t. Flaws and all I love him more than words can express, but when I was not expecting to be hurt by him, I was wrong. Unrealistic expectations will disappoint you every time.
There is a huge difference between being hurt by someone who could care less about you and someone who loves you to death. Most people don’t realize this and the divorce rates keep rising. I mean the mindset of a lot of people is “Hey, if it doesn’t work out we can just divorce.” And not working out can be something as simple as agreeing with how the children should be raised or something as petty as money issues. It’s like when we utter “For better or for worse” at the altar, we don’t mean a lick of what is coming out of our mouths…with all those crazy expectations!
I was convinced at a very young age that love looked like something. Love looked like being there always, all the time, and most importantly, being there financially. My father wasn’t doing any of these and my Grandmother made sure that she drilled into my heart/mind that “HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.” This was the furthest thing from the truth, yet because her teachings were instilled and ingrained into me (even though I fought hard to believe otherwise) my knowledge of true love was wrong. Do you want to know the day that I realized/believed/knew how much my dad really loved me; the day that he died. My emotions are swelling so I must bring this to a close.
When someone truly loves you it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever hurt you because they are not perfect and that’s as simple as I can put it. You should expect to be hurt, disappointed, let down, and saddened. But you should also expect that person to receive help, change, grow, get better, do better, and hurt you less and less in those most painful areas. Sometimes, we are hurt and disappointed because of our own issues and hang-ups, and this is why it’s important for each person in a relationship to receive help, change, grow, get better, and do better. So the huge difference in being hurt by a lover and a person who really has no love for you is this; the person that really loves you will die fixing the issues because they don’t want to hurt you.
Questions: How bad does the pain hurt when you really love someone?
I know what it’s like to sit by the phone and hope that it will ring, to sit on the porch steps and hope that they will stop by. I also know what it’s like to be proposed to, purchase a marriage license, and then have it ripped up in my face! The pain and the heart-ache I’ve endured on my mission to find every lasting love was brutal to say the least. I am now in a place where I thank God that none of the relationships that I cried, prayed and begged Him to fix worked out. One way He used all those things to work out for the good is that I now know enough information to help and assist others not to make the same mistakes.
Have you had to walk away from someone and it cut you to the core?
Some may wonder why a loving parent would say things to their young child that tore them down and caused them to feel less than acceptable. Some may argue the point that loving parents don’t spew out harmful negativity because that’s not what love does. But what if that same parent says “I love you” to their child on occasions? What if that same parent gives approval and admiration as well? The child can then become confused. Sometimes they feel loved and when they don’t, they try their best to win their parents acceptance, approval, and love by performing works.
Sometimes they are met with more negative words and so they try harder and harder until they receive those words that heal and cause them to feel loved. Now what if the bad outweighs the good? The child will start to believe the bad because it’s coming from someone they believe loves them. They are too young to know themselves and are still growing, becoming, trying to figure out what they like, and don’t like. Who they are is defined by the adults in their lives that are supposed to love and care for them. (Until they can grow to be an adult and redefine themselves…hopefully.)Because they are the parents, the child assumes they should know.
Here is a list of things I was told about myself when I was a child by my guardians and other adults close to me.
- You are evil.
- You are mean.
- You are hateful.
- You are hyper active.
- You are too silly.
- You are crazy.
- You are too fresh.
- You are bad.
- You are dumb.
10) You ain’t s_ _ t and you never will be.
It was very hard for anyone to convince me that I was anything but those things that I was told by my loved ones. Yet, something inside of me wanted to believe and I fought and I fought and I fought. Then I met God and jumped headfirst into a relationship with Him and he helped me to win the fight. He said I was in fact precious, wonderful, and a good thing! I believed Him. He created me so I figured He should know!
14 I will give thanks unto thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.
He who finds a wife finds what is good, gaining favor from the Lord.
Don’t allow people, circumstances, trials, or negativity to define you. Leave that to your Creator, He knows who you are, who you will become, and who you are meant to be. He knows everything about you down to the number of hairs on your head, before, during, and after you comb it.
29 Aren’t two sparrows sold for a small coin? But not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father knowing about it already. 30 Even the hairs of your head are all counted. 31 Don’t be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows.
Building a healthy relationship with your Father in heaven and yourself is essential before you think about becoming one with another. Start there and be prepared.
What are some things you’ve done or are currently doing to prepare for a husband?
This is a poem I wrote over 13 years ago. I was talking to myself in this poem because that was a way I’d encouraged myself. I pray it encourages someone else today!
Conversation was perfect, we talked for a while. The things that he said made my heart smile. I found out many things that grabbed my attention. No matter what I said, he was willing to listen. My feelings were out of control, yet I never told him so. I have never placed my eyes upon him so why have my feelings started to grow? Day 1 was so nice that I fell in love with his flow.
Walking, wondering, then waiting. If I knew his face I may have been patient. Oh no, is this you? It can’t be! I’ll just keep on going because he doesn’t know me. I made a call to pass time then I went to our meeting place once again. I see this gorgeous face, could this be my friend? Like Joedice I want to know your name. If you like what you see, I am available to claim. Once again conversation was flowing, I was feeling at ease. I hope you are impressed because I am most definitely pleased. Strong safe hug full of compassion. I’m looking forward to a friendship that is long-lasting. Day 2 went so well, I hated to see it passing.
Day 3 you’re so strange, I’m feeling lost and confused. There was not a bit of violence, yet I’m feeling abused. He will not talk to me or call me back. I really thought he liked me, I guess I’m too fat! Maybe it’s because I will not have sex. This is difficult to deal with, life is so complexed! Hey maybe he’s just not the one and I may have to wait real long. God’s will is so right, yet this pain feels so wrong. Move on young lady, don’t let this shatter your heart!
Stop looking for that man or you’ll fall all apart. Just look to the Lord and concentrate on His ways. For you know true love showed up in only 3 days!
QuestionAre you a woman in wait? If so how are you waiting?
Certified Life Coach Lisa Gore has come up with this guide to help any woman seeking marriage. “I don’t know if it started with watching “Good Times” or “The Cosby Show” but from as far back as I can remember I’ve longed to be a wife and have a family of my own. You can say it was my dream.” Although she had other dreams, the dream of becoming someone’s wife was strong and went deep, so much so that it always came to the surface. She didn’t have a mother or father around that saw to it that her education and career would come first, so she began dream chasing. Many years and heart breaks later she became “Wife Material” and was asked for my hand in marriage by four different men. She only said yes to one, ten years later she is still saying yes to him. Lisa learned a lot along the way and in the mix, from others and experiences. This book was created to help anyone who wants to listen, who needs answers, or who desires to see where they are when it comes to being Wife Material.
Are you hurting today as a result of a failed or troubled relationship? Ignoring that pain won’t make it go away, neglecting yourself can’t cause it to fade, and self-medicating with unhealthy things isn’t going to work. If you’ve already prayed, if you’ve already cried, if you’ve already hoped and believed without anything to show for it, I encourage you to do one last thing before you throw in the towel…WAIT.
King James Version (KJV)
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
New King James Version (NKJV)
5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
Over and over again I read the many different scriptures that command, “Love others as much as you love yourself”. There was a time in my life that I loved myself the way that others loved me, but it wasnt love they were giving me. Which means I never knew what it truly was to love myself. Did I possess a natural sin nature of selfishness, yes, but I had no understanding of what self-love was even about. I believed my worth was tied into people’s ideas and perception about me. If 5 people called me stupid, 3 people called me trash, and 7 called me ugly, then that is what I believed. No matter how hard I fought and tried to be the acceptable one, I would always fall short of everyone’s approval (except my molesters).
You would think becoming an adult would bring the wisdom I needed to discover this self-love and self-worth, but it didn’t. I had to study the Bible again and again, reading from cover to cover wasnt enough. I had to listen to people who could identify with my pain and offer me advice on how to begin the process. I needed to pick up as many books as I could and print out countless numbers of articles that were going to re-teach me. You see, I was either taught not to love myself because I wasn’t “enough” or not taught anything at all.
When I entered into my marriage I wasn’t aware of how much I didn’t love and accept myself. My husband loved me and wondered why I couldn’t love what he loved and he showed me how love was supposed to work! I was looking for him to fill me up so that I could feel his love and survive, but he needed me to love myself because he couldn’t fill the void I had from a young baby. He could not replace 27 years of emptiness, but God could.
Mark 12:31 says, “The second most important commandment says: `Love others as much as you love yourself.’ No other commandment is more important than these.” This means that God expects us to love ourselves. This scripture doesn’t even suggest that we love ourselves, it assumes that we ALREADY DO! But so many of us were not taught, so how do we even know that we are not loving ourselves? I will just list a few things that I know for myself because I have experienced it. Yours may be different or the same.
* When you need others to tell you, “You look good” to feel it
* If no one talks to you or calls you, you feel abandoned
* When you do a bunch of works to try to win people’s hearts
* When you are alone you feel sad and rush to be around someone else (in person or on the phone/computer/etc.)
* You don’t exercise and allow your body to be unhealthy
* You eat any and everything, and lots of it
* You jump to do things for others and NEVER take time for yourself
* You feel depressed because you don’t have a mate to complete you
* When others show their disappointment in you, you hate yourself for letting them down
* When ever you are rejected you always blame yourself
I am here to tell you, none of us were given everything, but we can’t continue to let that hold us back and we also can’t keep living our lives trying to fill what was never filled and replace what was once emptied. That is God’s job and He is PERFECT at it. Reading His word, and listening to His people are great ways to hear what He has to say to us. And when you accept Him into your heart, He uses His Holy Spirit to speak directly to you! This is a proven fact that many people agree upon and not an opinion.
My dad abandoned me after my mother died, and although my grandmother was there physically, she was emotionally dead. Her grief and pain drowned her and she could never surface to recover. I don’t know that type of pain so I can’t blame her. I truly feel as if my son were to die I’d be a nut case. How you over come two daughters dyeing in the same year is beyond my comprehension! I had many issues, and much distress. But when I realized that I wasnt supposed to be depressed and that I could love on myself and believe in myself, and give my own self compliments and pats on the back, I started to do so. And guess what… it felt even better than getting it from others!
So, as the Bible commands us countless times to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, we need to hear it with a willingness. A willingness to discover that self-love and apply it so that we may carry out the next part, loving others.
TAKE CARE OF YOU, God expects it. (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22:39,Mark 12:31, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, James 2:8)