I remember all too well this feeling that I had. I even remember the day that I uttered, “God everyone wants me to become pregnant except you.” That was the day that He revealed my heart to me. I was bitter. In 2004 I suffered a miscarriage after being over joyed that I was finally able to conceive with my husband. Everyone knew, everyone was praying, and if I was having a girl I was going to name her Miracle. Well, God had other plans. I wasn’t OK with those plans, but I had to accept them.
So on went the days, weeks, and years of my grief, confusion, deferred hope, pain, sorrow, and depression. By the time I uttered those words, “”God everyone wants me to become pregnant except you” I had become severely bitter. It had been a little over 6 months since I had surgery to correct the problem that was preventing me from becoming pregnant. I was still fighting, still, desiring, and still hoping. There were people telling me they had dreams that I would become pregnant. Others laid their hands on my belly, and there was even this one woman who said, “God told me you will become pregnant next month.” Oh the bible is so true when it says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
I had become so sick. I was not living my best life. I wasn’t living much at all. After receiving some very intense help, I decided to pray differently. Instead of praying for a Baby Girl, I started praying for CONTENTMENT. You see, if it wasn’t in God’s will or plans for me to have another child, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life giving all of my energy to that dream. In 2009 I gave up the fight and in 2011 I gave birth to another dream that I longed for. “Colors of a Butterfly An Autobiography.” Contentment became a part of my everyday life and I have never smiled more! Now I don’t wonder why God doesn’t give me certain things that I ask for, I just thank Him. He really does know best!